Dr Who And The Guilty Pleasures

There's a major difference between erotica and porn. Whereas one is designed to provide a full and long sensual experience the other is designed as a quick and dirty fix. And so it is with watching Dr Who.

Imagine the postman has just delivered your brand new DVD of The War Games. You were planning to go shopping for some essentials but you decide that staying in your dressing gown might now be the best plan of action.

You slip the DVD gently out of its packaging and slowly guide it towards your face for a close look. You gradually move your tingling fingers over its glossy surface and they seem to glide effortlessly towards the opening. Its scent fills your nostrils as you slowly open the box.

You open it wide and see the light shining off the disc. It seems to go straight to your heart and as you roll your eyes and your knees go weak the inlay card slips out of the box and falls gracefully towards the floor. Each time you try to catch it the card flips teasingly making you look like the fool you know you are.

You try to hide your blushes and when you pick up the card your heart misses a beat. The list of special features is tantalising. Ten episodes fully restored and Vidfired, a commentary, production notes and documentaries. Oh God.

You touch the disc for the first time. A shiver. The eject function on the machine plays hard to get as you fumble a little. Once the disc is in the player you enjoy many hours of unadulterated pleasure. The picture is crisp and clean. The product is immaculate and neat. No wonder it smelled so good, it's been very well looked after.

Hours later you lie back and relax.
Contentment.

On the other hand....

You're meeting your Who mates down the pub when one of them thrusts a brown paper bag in your hand. You start to reach into the bag to see what's inside but he grabs you "Don't look now. Save it for later, when you get home". You nod and he releases his grasp.

When you're on the bus home you take a peak into the bag, intrigued. Oh a video! You're excited. You take a look at the spine. In black ink, poor handwriting it says "The Five Doctors" with "Crossroads" struck through just above.

You rush home and you're straight into the living room without opening your bag of chips. The VCR accepts the video quickly, as if it knows that your satisfaction must be immediate. Before you've had time to settle Hartnell is on the screen. You quickly open the chip bag and curse the fact that you don't own ketchup in a squirty bottle - how long is this gonna take?

Then the titles and that music, you've got hot chips in your mouth and you stare boggle eyed at the poor picture quality. This could be 9th generation! Heck it might have even been recorded on Betamax, converted to VHS and passed down through fankind. Is that possible? It doesn't matter right now. Just keep watching. Keep watching, keep watching, keep watching.

Whichever way you watch Dr Who, I hope you have fun!